i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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