Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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