Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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