im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
