Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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