I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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