Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Please don't give away my fajitas
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
