Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
