it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
