i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
two words...techno handjob
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
