I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
