I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
