I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
