Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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