why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i already hear my dad disowning me
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Let's get the cat blown out
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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