I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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