i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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