Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
so much tequila, so little girl.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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