I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
