Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize