i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
