There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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