I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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