headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize