So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
