barbara walters just said penis...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
