I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
