Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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