and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
