imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize