I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
