Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
