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For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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