Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
