Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if only i could text you this smell
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
