I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
