can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
