The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
