she woke up with a sticky ear
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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