just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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