just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
