Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
