Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
