I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
