I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
