I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
