I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
