please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
