hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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