guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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