I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
