I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
