i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
