what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
