the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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