My friends, they love my intelligence
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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