Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
50% drunk capacity currently
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
