I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
