Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
