I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
